Sunday, December 4, 2011

A complete nightmare from the past....

    As of right now it is 12;00 am,on December 4th,2011. Its taken me a whole 24 hours to think and to analize yesterday. Seeing someone from my past,someone who made my life difficult to deal with. One of many,figuring I could see him and verbally tell him I forgive him for what he did to me,not only would erase a nightmare that occured frequently but to also remove the guilt within myself for being a fool to fall into such a game that he played so well. It did nothing but make it worse.  He for some reason,believed for a sheer second that saying bullshit and making up lies would make me feel happy for him or better yet make me feel worse(in which it did). Him having money,him marrying someone"famous", him traveling,him defining his undying love for me,only made me feel worse.

Why?

I've been married for 3 years,not the easiest as many already know,alot of it has been my fault,expecting more than what I can recieve, but my husband works like crazy to provide for Himself,me,our kids. Money would be nice right now. Just to win the lottery. We wouldn't have to live in this shitty town full of fake people/friends/family. As my mom says" we may not have alot of money,but we are rich in things that rich people are poor in." and its very true. I couldn't be happier with my life.

He said he married a "playmate" haha ,why are you divorced? I'm sorry if it was me and I married someone like that I'd do everything I could do to keep them unless I'm completely overbareing and annoylying suffacating in which I'm sure would be a good reason for divorce. On the other hand,who really wants to be married (securely) to a woman or man that the whole world has possibly seen naked? Not me. I'm perfectly happy being married to the man of my dreams,A Army Veteran, A forever Tanker. My rock:) I love him dearly.

Traveling, I've been through most of the United States,but outside of the states is a different story. I'd love to see Greece,Russia,Ireland,China ect. I'd love to travel. All in due time..like when I'm 30. When he spoke about traveling that didn't bother me much,it'll happen for me.

He said he loved me since he was 17, psh! alot of men have said that..I think to almost every girl. None the less I've heard it so much its just like "sure ya do"
If the dude loved me when he was 17...why would he blame me for his rape charge on his record? " Should have kept it in your pants. Fought the urge to do something that would scar someone for the rest of their lives.
Why would you say, if it wasn't for them my butt would be in Jail? I did nothing but tell the truth. I did nothing but run when you told me to run.
Why do you have the charge?"

I cried and turned to complete strangers I didn't know or barely spoke to. I cried to My husband,who taught me how to cock a 45.  who promises to take me to a range so I will know what to do and how to use it if my life is ever in danger. Yes everything got to me but the hurtfulness I felt was nothing compared to the ANGER I felt when he asked if my son was a crack baby? How dare he? What a little kid can't be excited to play in a yard?  Atleast ....I wont say that who am I to say anything when I know people say horrible things about me. There is a place for people like him..and its not near me or my family.

I don't know what will become of this,but whatever it is...it is a screen with words and maybe just maybe I'll feel better to know that my feelings are trapped in a box other than on paper that will get torn and tossed.

 I'll write soon,possibly tomorrow,
Love...
              Me.....